for Cat and Toby

When I was young, I used to think the lyric went: “between a rock, and a haaaaaard plate.” I thought this made sense because I understood that there were plates underneath the earth and that this is what caused earthquakes. I imagined this to be a high pressure spot, one not unlike my hometown which seemed to be full of discordant morality, sprawl, bells and alarms. I felt the tremors inside of me.

When I turned 18 the big one finally struck. My heart palpitated, my stomach agitated, and my whole world was rattling around me. It seemed like years before the oscillation stopped, and when it did I found myself clear across the country apart from my family. What’s more is I liked this place. It made so much more sense then every place I’d previously inhabited, and while I keep moving, I still seem to inhabit a very different realm.

It thus became difficult to communicate to that piece of the world estranged. My hands couldn’t fit their handshakes anymore. My radio didn’t get their stations. While I grew happier I was sad that I had left them behind. Really I had no choice: force of nature; but I felt guilty. I felt this intense loneliness whenever I visited too. Like a stranger in a strange land, an inexpressable foreigner trapped with his own thoughts.

I mention this because my heart still palpitates, and I feel tremors in my toes. I know the earth has bigger plans for me and I am terrified. I know a greater happiness is possible, but I don’t want to be further isolated into it. It is inescapable. It is happening. It is magic.

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